This week has been an emotionally trying one, to say the least. This week I nearly lost sight of what I was doing and who I was doing it for. This week I was reminded that I was not at all done healing and that I merely covered the wound with a bandage. Abandonment is real, and all too familiar in the black community. Thirty years and not even a word from my father you would have thought that the excitement of him coming back into my life a couple of years ago would have died down a little. And I can’t even say that he’s apart of my life, rather a Facebook friend and even knowing that I still found myself getting emotional about something that I thought that I was “okay” with. Abandonment.
This is not a post that is supposed to spotlight him at all but I have to express where I was on Tuesday and how I got to where I am, today. After crying, joking, and finally letting it all settle in, I was able to understand why I fight so hard and am so thankful to have given my child 2 of what I had 0 of. I have not made the best choices in my life, but when it comes to what I want for my daughter, and what I want to protect her from I think I have at least one base covered and I had to remind myself of that. As a woman, a full grown adult woman, with children of her own, crawling into a corner and bawling because my father doesn’t seem to “want” me is not an option. I can spend my life angry at a man that never knew how to handle me in the first place or I can try my hardest to make sure my daughter never has to feel the emptiness that I do when I look into his eyes, and that isn’t me being cold, I ache to feel love for that man and have that same love returned. Tuesday, I found out that I yearned for it. It still hurts.
You raise children, hoping they don’t ever have to hurt, or go through anything too hard, or extremely life altering. You want them to have a better childhood than you. You want them to have all that they deserve. I think that God, knowing that there would be days like this. Days when I don’t get it, or understand how you can make a baby and want nothing to do with her. God knew that this would happen so he blessed my daughter with not one but two great fathers. He knew that I would shed a river of tears from age 7 to age 32 trying to figure out what life would have been like if my father were in it, actively. He knew I’d need a reason to smile. Riley’s father has been nothing but the best, even through our turmoil he has been a constant pillar in her life. Her *Bonus* Dad, my husband Brian has also been nothing but a great father to her and leader to our family. Both men work together tirelessly to make sure they raise a well rounded daughter. Everywhere she looks she’s got some type of support from one of her dads. She will never have to feel this type of pain, and though I cannot protect her from everything, I know that at least she will never have to write this chapter in her book of life. She can skip right over it because God has it covered.